Well Alex talked to Pastor Jeff today and from what I was told it sounded like he understood. Then Alex went to talk to Pastor Ruth and I have lost even more respect for her. From what Alex told me, it made it sound as though this is all my fault and basically I need to get over it and grow up. What I’m referring to is the fact that I have no desire to go to Grace to worship with Alex. I don’t feel I should have to worship in a place that does not believe anything I believe and it’s very clear what they believe. I learned who to tune out when they did prayers as I knew I did not agree with what they were praying for. There was something about that church that the kids just didn’t like as well they love Sunday School but if you mention Grace and Sunday School in the same sentence they both freak out – so I know something either happened that they didn’t like or they were just uneasy there.
When Alex talked to Pastor Ruth he proposed to her that we’d just visit different sites and from what he shared with me it was like she wanted to reassign him to a congregation for 3 months but didn’t really say that. Now I feel like I’m in a weird position because I feel he’s doing this all for me yet I have no desire to go to church. I don’t know if it’s because it’s the winter or if it’s because I haven’t been attending church for so long but my faith is just gone. It could even be that I’m just tired of this process. I want a real home and the ability to have friends. Right now I try not to really make friends because I know I’m going to be leaving soon and I’ll have to leave them behind and frankly I’m just tired of losing friends. It seems like all through childhood & then into my adult life that’s what I’ve always done is made friends and lost them. Maybe that’s why I like to keep to myself so much now is I just know there is no point in making friends as I’ll be losing them anyway.
So today Alex asked me why I’ve lost my faith – I really have no clue. I don’t like to do prayer at meal time anymore, I have no desire to go to church, but I still love Christian music & to sing hymns.
When Alex was on his long retreat he had time to think and write his feelings and thoughts in a journal. He told me I could read them – I read a little bit and that was enough for me. He brought up something that happened in our past that I thought we had gotten over but apparently not. It is not something I even choose to remember but obviously he does. He also made the comment about how he doesn’t get it how internship is such a big deal for me. I guess I just keep thinking I’ve already uprooted once for his adventure I don’t want to move again – plus I’m starting to make a few friends in Bexley well guess what I’m sure they won’t be my friends when we get back because Bexley is just not a community where you’re accepted very easily and when we come back I doubt I’ll be accepted again. I know it shouldn’t be a big deal but sometimes I just feel a little too alone.
Alex also told me when he was talking with Pastor Ruth they are going to change the MIC program which I think is dumb – they are going to have a 4 week rotation which to me that is saying we’re not family friendly to begin with so let’s make it so we’re not family friendly at all. Families have already uprooted their children once and they need some kind of stability in their lives so now they’ll get to change schools, change churches every 4 weeks, and then move away for a year for internship – that’s a lot to ask of a child!
On a positive note yes I actually have those once in a while, while Alex was gone – missing him constantly – it made me realize how much I love him and hate being away from him. Since he has been back I’ve caught myself staring at him for no reason, touching his arm anytime he walks by, and stealing as many hugs & kisses as I can. And he’s actually been hugging me which is awesome because that’s not something he usually does – he’s just not a hugger and I am. We spent the weekend as a family – we went to the conservatory on Saturday and then on Sunday we went to the museum then the kids were off from school on Monday so we went to the movies and grocery shopping. Today Kiefer was home sick so we didn’t do much of anything. I think the rest of this week we’re going to spend time together by shopping – I have some shoes to take back to Kohl’s we have to get a birthday present for Kiefer to take to a birthday party on Saturday and then Alex said he’d take me to lunch and to get cookies for my birthday. I love cookies from Cheryl & Company.
So I guess for now that is all – I just thought I’d post a quick update of how the talks went with Jeff & Ruth. I will be happy when this adventure is over for Alex. I know right now with that 2 year itch he gets and wondering if this is what he’s supposed to do it’s hard on him and with me not being on the same page as him it makes it hard too but I will support him no matter what and I’m hoping to regain my faith and get back on the same page as him. I love him with all my heart and soul!
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