Ugh

Yesterday we went sledding and it was fun despite the fact that Kief got in a mood then Alex got in a mood. The hill was busy so that was kind of annoying. The snow was harder and you seemed to feel the bumps more and today my back is really letting me know that. 
Today the kids are home so I have to pretend that I want to be out of bed. But really I would rather still be in bed I have no desire to be up today not just because I didn't sleep last night but because I am out of will power to keep going right now. If you saw this house right now you'd know that too - it's a mess and if it wasn't for my wonderful husband who has been cleaning up the kitchen I can't imagine. I know this has to be hard on him because he can see through my acts and knows that I'm bummed out. 
Winter often means being depressed for me but this winter is horrible compared to the last few. I don't think I've had one where I didn't want to get out of bed before. I don't know if it's because I've been thinking I need to start packing again or because I really don't want to leave here or a combination. Yesterday I didn't go to service, I went to the church but said nothing to no one. I have made a couple of good friends here which I had said before coming that I didn't want to get to know anyone because I hate saying goodbye so I know that's in the back of my mind along with all the other crap that I have in there. My head is very messed up lately. 
My birthday is coming up soon and once again I don't want to celebrate it. It's kind of funny because my sister in law sent me a text today telling me she'd be sending out a package by Wednesday with some Vera that I asked her to pick up for me at the outlet and she said it had an unbirthday present in it too because she knows I don't celebrate. My parent inlaws gave me my present when they were here for alex's birthday which was a gift card which I used mainly on Kiefer's birthday present. My sister bought me the wii game I wanted to buy with it though - that's pretty typical though that I rarely spend money or gift cards on myself. I guess I just figure that the kids need stuff more than me and when you don't have much money it's easiest to put my needs last. I think that's typical of moms though especially if they don't work because they don't feel any of the money coming into the house is there's because they're not out working (or at least that's often my thoughts).