Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Done
Okay so my new positive outlook is over. Why am I pretending to be someone I'm not? Why do I write this blog? I really don't think anyone reads it and it doesn't really help me anymore so this may be my last post. I've decided that I will probably only be attending church when Alex preaches for the next 5 months. I could care less about church - don't believe in any of it, don't really want it in my life. But I will support my husband on the career path he has chosen. So I guess there will always be a little bit of acting going on in my life. I just don't see why I have to pretend to be this upbeat happy person - I'm not. Honestly I think I'm dying inside and don't really care anymore. Now I know if anyone is reading this they are probably thinking how can you say that, how can you just give up? I've come to conclusion that I will never be happy so why try to force it. I'm sorry if you don't agree but this is my blog and a place for me to write my feelings, right? I'm just laying it out there how it is. If you don't like what you're reading then I guess you can't accept the true me.
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1 comment:
i'm not thinking "how can you give up" i'm thinking "gosh, how can i help?" and praying like mad. honey, i'm sorry you feel this way, it stinks. i do think you've got a ton to unload in there and it's sapping your joy. i wish you could see yourself as i see you. and i'm not even going to tell you how i see you because you won't believe me, anyway.
have you thought of not defining yourself by how positive/negative you are? i mean, i can have a REALLY negative attitude, but i don't see it as a part of me, just as something i deal with and work hard on. maybe thinking "i'm good at crafts, but bad at whatever" would be easier? i'm so horrid at singing people TURN AROUND to give me an evil eye if i sing in church. seriously. but it's part of who i am and i've started thinking it's kinda funny. does that make sense? i'm not saying it's that simple, 'cuz it's not. gosh, this is a long comment. i really just wish i could help, but all i can do is pray!
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